This week I decided to focus on wording. I sometimes use the wrong word or the wrong tense of a word, or I word my paper in such a way that the sentence doesn't make sense. For my editing this week, I chose a paragraph from an essay i wrote on the Vietnam war.
Original:
One night when Larry was in Vietnam, he was supposed to be on guard duty, which is basically just watching the outside of the camp for the enemy. This is a normal job that Larry had done several times before, so he wasn’t thinking anything of it. He reported for duty but the captain said that there were plenty of people so Larry’s services were not needed. Larry thought someone must have taken his place, so he went back to his tent to sleep. He said three men served on guard duty that night. The Vietcong attacked their camp that night and all three men were killed. If Larry had been serving that night, he would have been the one killed and I would not be here to tell his story, for that man, Larry Boyd, is my dad.
Revised:
Larry was scheduled to be on guard duty one night, a job in which his only task was to watch the outside of the camp for the enemy. This is a normal job that Larry had done several times before, so he wasn’t thinking anything of it. He reported for duty, but oddly the officer in charge told Larry that another person was taking that shift so Larry’s services were not needed. Larry just went back to his tent to sleep after a hard day of work. Larry said three men served on guard duty that night. The Vietcong attacked the station that night and all three men were killed. If Larry had been stationed that night, he would have been the one killed and I would not be here to tell his story, for that man, Larry Boyd, is my dad.
I went to the dailywritingtips.com web site and got a few tips on how to word properly. Basically you just have to read it out loud to know if it sounds good. If you can say it without a problem, then your sentence is fine.
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